Terry's Big Adventures
River Rafter's Guide
(to Macedonia)
Chapter 12: Stupid Man

THAT WEEK MACEDONIAN TV PLAYED RERUNS OF THE SHOW WITH OUR INTERVIEW DURING THE DAY. I WOULD SOMETIMES GET A REACTION WHEN I WENT TO TOWN. PEOPLE WOULD POINT AT ME, DRAW A SQUARE IN THE AIR USING BOTH HANDS, AND SAY “TELEVISION”. UNFORTUNATELY MY NEW FAME AS “THE AMERICAN RIVER ADVENTURER” DIDN’T PARLAY INTO FREE FOOD OR MERCHANDISE NOR DID IT RELIEVE THE PAIN OF MY NEWLY-INCURRED SUNBURN. HOWEVER, I WAS GETTING EXCITED ABOUT MY UPCOMING ELVIS IMPERSONATION ON NATIONAL TV. MACEDONIA’S DRAB TV CULTURE WAS IN SORE NEED OF SOME HUMOR AND I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE SOMETHING EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY WOULD BE TALKING ABOUT. “WHO WAS THAT INSANE AMERICAN?!”

NIKOLCE INSISTED THAT I ACCOMPANY HIM ON AN ERRAND TO STRUGA. HE WAS IN A “HURRY” AND SAID IT WOULD TAKE ONLY A HALF HOUR. I FIGURED IT WOULD BE A GOOD OPPORTUNITY TO BUY A FAN FOR MY ROOM. WHEN WE ARRIVED IN STRUGA AT ONE PM I OFFERED TO BUY PIZZA FOR LUNCH AND WE COULD EAT IT WHILE WALKING. HOWEVER, NIKOLCE INSISTED THAT WE SIT AT A COFFEE BAR AND EAT IT. WE BOUGHT TWO DRINKS, THEREBY DOUBLING THE PRICE OF THE LUNCH AND WASTING A HALF HOUR. WHEN WE LEFT WE IMMEDIATELY RAN INTO GUITAR KIRE WHO WAS SITTING AT A COFFEE BAR WITH HIS BROTHER. OF COURSE WE HAD TO SIT DOWN AND HAVE COFFEE WITH THEM. OTHER IDLE YOUNG MEN GREETED US AND SAT IN AN ADJOINING TABLE. THEN A MAN FROM NIKOLCE’S VILLAGE ARRIVED AND DOMINATED THE CONVERSATION FOR THE NEXT HOUR. WHEN WE FINALLY LEFT TO BUY A FAN FOR MY ROOM NIKOLCE ASKED ME WHAT TIME IT WAS. I REPLIED, "IT’S TWO-THIRTY." AND TO MAKE SURE HE UNDERSTOOD I SAID "TWO AND A HALF". NIKOLCE SAID HE HAD TO RETURN IN ONE HOUR TO PICK UP SNEZA AT THE CHINA SHOP. I ACQUIESCED TO THE SITUATION AND SUGGESTED WE JUST STAY UNTIL SHE GETS OFF SO HE DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE TWO TRIPS. (BY NOW THE HALF HOUR ERRAND PROJECTED TO 2 1/2 HOURS.) AFTER I BOUGHT A FAN WE DECIDED TO VISIT ALEX THE BEDMAKER. ALEX INVITES US TO SIT DOWN FOR BEER. AFTER FORTY MINUTES OF LISTENING TO A MYSTERY CONVERSATION I STOOD UP AND SAID, “ I'LL MEET YOU AT THE CAR AT 3:30.” "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" HE ASKS, THEN ADDS "I AM WITH YOU." (I AM NOW PERCEIVED AS RUDE BECAUSE I AM LEAVING A SOCIAL SITUATION IN WHICH I AM EXPECTED TO STAY, EVEN THOUGH I AM BORED OUT OF MY FRICKIN' MIND.) I REPLIED THAT I WAS GOING TO WALK AROUND TOWN. WHEN HE OBJECTED I SAID, "YOU DO WHAT YOU DO--I'LL DO WHAT I DO. I'LL MEET YOU AT 3:30." THEN HE SAID HIS WIFE DIDN'T GET OFF UNTIL 4:30! AARGH!! I JUST WALKED BACK TO THE HOTEL ON MY OWN.

ON THURSDAY DANIEL GOT A CALL FROM MR. BIG TO MEET HIM AT THE POOL AFTER THE SHOW. WE ARRIVED AND THIS TIME THERE WERE MORE TELEVISION PEOPLE--A TALENT SCREENER, THE WOMAN CO-HOST, MR. BIG, AND DRAGO, THE HEAD CAMERAMAN. KIRE ORDERED US A BEER AND TOLD US THERE WAS A CHANGE OF PLANS. ON SATURDAY HE HAD TO BE HEAD TV COMMENTATOR FOR AN INTERNATIONAL SWIM MARATHON IN OHRID AND THAT FILMING OF THE RIVER ADVENTURE WOULD INSTEAD BE ON MONDAY. MR. BIG HAD ALREADY PROCURED A BOAT BUT WASN'T SURE IF THE CAMERA GEAR WOULD BE SAFE. INSTEAD HE WAS GOING TO USE A JEEP AND FILM US FROM THE BANKS AND BRIDGES. DANIEL AND I STUCK AROUND WITH THE MUCKY-MUCKS FOR ABOUT AN HOUR. THEIR EGOS DIDN’T SEEM TO BE OVER-INFLATED LIKE MOST ENTERTAINMENT PEOPLE IN THE U.S. CONVERSATION LED TO THE GREAT MACEDONIAN GUITAR PLAYER VLATKO STEFANOVSKI AND I SAID HOW MUCH I ADMIRED HIM. ()

ON FRIDAY EVENING DANIEL RECEIVED ANOTHER CALL FROM MR. BIG TO MEET HIM IN HIS ROOM AT THE HOTEL AFTER THE SHOW. NOW I WAS BEGINNING TO SUSPECT THAT HE WAS GAY AND IN PURSUIT OF DANIEL. WHEN WE ARRIVED KIRE WAS NOT IN HIS ROOM BUT WE FOUND HIM NEXT TO THE POOL HAVING A DRINK. HE LOOKED HAGGARD AND SAID HE HAD TO GET SOME REST BECAUSE HE WAS WORKING SO MUCH. HOWEVER MR. BIG STAYED AND TALKED WITH US FOR AN HOUR. TURNS OUT HE HAD A SON LIVING IN LOS ANGELES. HIS VISA HAD EXPIRED AND TO AVOID COMPLICATED LEGAL PROCEEDINGS HE HAD TO STAY IN THE U.S. FIVE MORE YEARS. HE WAS A MUSICIAN ABOUT DANIEL'S AGE. NOW IT MADE SENSE--DANIEL REMINDED HIM OF HIS SON AND THAT IS WHY HE ENJOYED TALKING TO HIM SO MUCH. HE TOLD US OF HIS MARRIAGE DIFFICULTY WITH HIS WIFE, A WELL-KNOWN MACEDONIAN ACTRESS, AND ALSO SAID HE DIDN’T GET ALONG WITH THE WOMAN WHO WAS THE CO-HOST ON THE SHOW.

AS WE WERE SITTING THERE SOME MUSICIANS WALKED BY CARRYING EQUIPMENT. DANIEL RECOGNIZED THEM AND SAID EXCITEDLY, “THAT IS (SOME NAME I COULDN’T PRONOUNCE LET ALONE REMEMBER). THEY ARE FAMOUS IN ALL OF MACEDONIA!” “THEY USE DRUGS,” MR. BIG REMARKED. ONE OF THEM PASSED BY CARRYING A GUITAR CASE AND I GAVE HIM THE THUMBS-UP AND SAID “ROCK AND ROLL!” “ROCK AND ROLL,” HE REPLIED IN A MOCKING TONE, LETTING OUT A CONDESCENDING LAUGH.

AFTER MEETING WITH MR. BIG I TREATED DANIEL TO FLAME-BROILED MEAT AT MY FAVORITE PLACE IN TOWN NEXT TO THE RIVER. THEN WE RETURNED TO THE HOTEL DRIM TO WATCH THE FAMOUS BAND IN ALL OF MACEDONIA PLAY SATISFACTION, HEY JOE, AND BLACK MAGIC WOMAN. THE SINGER SANG WITH HIS BACK TO THE AUDIENCE AND THE MUSICIANS HAD NO EYE CONTACT AS WELL. BASICALLY THEY SUCKED. "LET'S GO RIDE THE BUMPER CARS," I SAID. TURNS OUT DANIEL KNEW THE LADY SELLING THE TOKENS AND SHE THREW IN A COUPLE OF FREEBIES.

ON SATURDAY MORNING I MET UP WITH NIKOLCE AT THE FARM TO BUM A RIDE TO OHRID. HE HAD TWO GIGS THAT DAY, A WEDDING CEREMONY WHERE THE BAND WAS TO PLAY ACOUSTICALLY THEN AN IMPORTANT BANQUET AT A HOTEL FOR THE ORGANIZERS OF THE INTERNATIONAL SWIM MEET. BUT FIRST WE HAD TO RUN INTO STRUGA TO PICK UP SOME DISPOSABLE DIAPERS FOR NATALIE. NIKOLCE WAS NOT IN A GOOD MOOD. SNEZA HAD BEEN NAGGING HIM, THE PAMPERS WERE EXPENSIVE, AND HE WAS IN A HURRY TO LOAD EQUIPMENT AND GET TO THE HOTEL TO SET UP. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE THE RECENTLY “REPAIRED” CLUTCH ON THE MAGIC CAR WAS BEGINNING TO MALFUNCTION AGAIN.

AS WE WERE RETURNING ON THE LANE TO MISLESEVO I SPOTTED A VERY SMALL FIRE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, PROBABLY CAUSED BY A CIGARETTE TOSSED FROM A CAR, AN OCCURRENCE I HAD WITNESSES MANY TIMES WHILE IN MACEDONIA. "LOOK," I SAID, POINTING TO THE FLAMES. "LET’S PUT IT OUT BEFORE IT SPREADS." NIKOLCE REPLIED, "WE DO NOT HAVE TIME," AND SPED ON.

AT THE FARM WE STUFFED THE P.A. SYSTEM AND OURSELVES INTO THE MAGIC CAR. I WAS VERY CRAMPED AS I CRADLED NIKOLCE’S KEYBOARD CASE BETWEEN MY LEGS IN THE FRONT SEAT. AS WE BEGAN TO DRIVE I COULD SEE BILLOWING SMOKE IN THE DISTANCE. UPON APPROACH THERE WERE A DOZEN PEOPLE STANDING IN THE ROAD WATCHING A BURNING FIELD AND THE SMOLDERING REMNANTS OF WHAT WAS ONCE A BARN. A FIRE TRUCK WAS JUST ARRIVING BUT BY NOW IT WAS TOO LATE. "WE SHOULD HAVE PUT THE FIRE OUT!" I STATED EMPHATICALLY. "HE IS A STUPID MAN," REPLIED NIKOLCE, REFERRING TO THE OWNER OF THE BARN. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schadenfreude)

THE TRIP TO OHRID RESUMED IN SILENCE. WE ARRIVED AT THE HOTEL AT THE SAME TIME AS NEUMCEK. I HELPED CARRY DRUMS AND EQUIPMENT AS EMPLOYEES WERE SCURRYING TO SET UP FOR THAT EVENING’S BANQUET.

I WALKED TWO BLOCKS TO THE LAKE WHICH WAS THE SCENE OF A LOT OF HUBBUB. THERE WAS A TELEVISION CREW AND EQUIPMENT AND I SAW MR. BIG “ON AIR”. HOWEVER A TWENTY-MILE MARATHON IS A POOR SPECTATOR SPORT SO I WENT TO AN AIR-CONDITIONED INTERNET THEN ATE AT A McDONALD’S. I WALKED THROUGH OLDTOWN AND DID SOME COMPARISON SHOPPING AT SOME UPSCALE CLOTHING STORES. I HAD BEEN THINKING ABOUT OUTFITTING RHYTHM WITH SOME FANCY DUDS, SORT OF A GOING-AWAY PRESENT BEFORE I RETURNED TO THE U.S. THE PRICES WERE ABOUT THE SAME AS IN THE U.S. AND I FIGURED I COULD OUTFIT THE WHOLE BAND WITH SHOES FOR AROUND $400.

I WAS ABOUT TO CATCH A BUS BACK TO STRUGA WHEN I WAS PROPOSITIONED BY A TAXI DRIVER. SPLITTING THE COST OF THE TAXI WOULD BE THE SAME PRICE AS THE BUS AND WITHIN TEN MINUTES HE WAS ABLE TO GET THREE MORE PASSENGERS TO STRUGA. HE LET ME OFF ON THE HIGHWAY AND I WALKED TO THE HOTEL ON A PATHWAY THROUGH GARBAGE-STREWN FIELDS. I WAS SURPRISED TO MEET PETAR WALKING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AND WE LAUGHED AT THE COINCIDENCE.

LATER THAT EVENING I TOLD DANIEL ABOUT THE FIRE INCIDENT AND THAT WE HAD THE CHANCE TO PUT IT OUT. "THE MAN WOULD NOT HAVE APPRECIATED IT," WAS HIS REPLY.

ON SUNDAY DANIEL CALLED MR. BIG TO MAKE SURE WE WERE STILL ON FOR MONDAY. HOWEVER, THE FILMING WAS AGAIN CANCELED BECAUSE ALL THE AVAILABLE CAMERAMEN WERE CALLED TO OTHER PARTS OF THE COUNTRY TO FILM THE FIRES THAT WERE BURNING MACEDONIA. NOW I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK MR. BIG WAS JUST A BULLSHITTER LIKE MOST PEOPLE IN THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS.

ON MONDAY NIKOLCE’S BAND STARTED A WEEK STINT AT THE BELGRADE HOTEL IN STRUGA NEXT TO THE RIVER. THEY WERE SET UP ON THE SECOND STORY, OUTSIDE ON A COVERED DECK. THEY HAD TO COMPETE WITH THE SOUND OF A BASS-SHATTERING ELECTRONIC DISCO JUST ACROSS THE BRIDGE. MANY TOURISTS AND YOUNG PEOPLE WERE MILLING IN THE STREETS. I WAS EN ROUTE THROUGH OLDTOWN TO WATCH THEM PLAY JUST AS A SMALL RIOT ERUPTED OUTSIDE A CLUB THAT FEATURED PUNK ROCK. SOMEONE SAID IT WAS BETWEEN YOUNG ALBANIANS AND MACEDONIANS. I RAN TO CIRCUMVENT THE MELEE AND MADE IT TO THE HOTEL IN TIME TO SEE RHYTHM’S LAST SONG AND HELP THEM TEAR DOWN EQUIPMENT.

ON TUESDAY DANIEL TALKED TO MR. BIG AGAIN. “TOMORROW FOR SURE,” HE SAID. WE WERE TO MEET AT THE HOTEL DRIM AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING. "WE'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN IT HAPPENS," WE ALL SAID. TOMORROW WAS ALSO THE DAY OF MY MACEDONIAN TELEVISION DEBUT.

THAT NIGHT DANIEL, ZEKE AND VIKI (A COUPLE FROM THE HOTEL MACEDONIA), AND I TOOK A TAXI TO THE HOTEL BELGRADE TO WATCH RHYTHM. A CELEBRITY DRUMMER SHOWED UP WITH TWO SLEAZY FEMALE ADMIRERS. I HAD MET HIM BEFORE AT A COFFEE SESSION. HE WAS OLDER THAN THE MEMBERS OF NIKOLCE’S BAND AND I COULD TELL THAT THEY WERE IMPRESSED WITH HIM--HE HAS PLAYED WITH BANDS FAMOUS IN ALL OF MACEDONIA! I HAD NO IDEA WHY THE BAND WAS EVEN PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS OBVIOUS SLIMEBALL. HE WAS INTENT ON GIVING NEUMCEK SOME POINTERS BUT I COULD TELL THAT HE REALLY WANTED HIS JOB. HE ALWAYS AVOIDED EYE CONTACT WITH ME. PERHAPS IT WAS BECAUSE I KEPT LICKING MY FINGER AND HOLDING IT UP AS A BLOWHARD INDICATOR.

AFTER A COUPLE BEERS I WAS ASKED TO SING AND PLAY A COUPLE TUNES WITH THE BAND. I CHOSE TWO SONGS THAT WERE EASY TO FOLLOW. THEY KNEW LA BAMBA BUT HAD SOME DIFFICULTY WITH JOHNNY B. GOODE. (I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN MACEDONIANS DON’T KNOW THE TWELVE-BAR BLUES!) THEN NIKOLCE PICKED A SONG. I AM ONE OF THE BEST AT PLAYING ON THE FLY, BUT THIS SERBIAN POP SONG HAD A LOT OF CHORDS AND AN UNUSUAL PROGRESSION, THE KIND OF TUNE YOU COULD USE TO SABOTAGE A PLAYER’S CREDIBILITY. (WAS THAT SMUGNESS I DETECTED ON NIKOLCE’S FACE?)