Terry's Big Adventures
River Rafter's Guide
(to Macedonia)
Chapter 11: Dry Run

WE DECIDED TO DO A TRIAL RUN ON THE RIVER THE NEXT DAY. DANIEL INVITED HIS FRIEND, ZLATCO THE CABDRIVER, EVEN THOUGH HE DID NOT HAVE A RAFT. I SAID THAT I WOULD NOT BUY ANOTHER RAFT SINCE I HAD ALREADY BOUGHT THREE AND OF COURSE NEITHER DANIEL NOR ZLATCO COULD AFFORD ONE. FOR WHATEVER REASON NIKOLCE FELT COMPELLED TO BUY ONE USING TWO DAYS OF HIS WAGES, THUS PISSING OFF SNEZA.

WEDNESDAY MORNING THE FOUR OF US CRAMMED INTO THE MAGIC CAR, PICKED UP SOME SNACKS FOR BREAKFAST AND SKOPSKO (THE FINEST BEER IN ALL OF MACEDONIA). WE MADE IT TO THE RIVER AT TEN, HOPING TO FINISH BEFORE THE MIDDAY HEAT. WE PARKED AT A GAS STATION NEXT TO THE RIVER. AFTER SPENDING HALF AN HOUR PUMPING UP THE RAFTS WITH THE INCLUDED PIECE-OF-CRAP LITTLE FOOT PUMPS WE CLIMBED DOWN THE EMBANKMENT NEXT TO A BRIDGE AND CLUMSILY SET INTO THE WATER.

EACH RAFTER TRIED VARIOUS PADDLE POSITIONS BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM TO MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE. IT SOON BECAME JUST A MATTER OF STEERING AND LETTING THE SLOW CURRENT DO MOST OF THE WORK.

THE RIVER WAS ABOUT ONE HUNDRED FEET ACROSS AND VARIED IN DEPTH FROM ABOUT THREE TO TEN FEET. THE BANKS WERE COVERED WITH BRUSH AND COTTONWOOD TREES. FLOCKS OF BIRDS WOULD DIVE-BOMB US AS WE DISTURBED THEIR NESTING GROUNDS. OCCASIONALLY WE WOULD SEE A WATER SNAKE. "OOO--DANGER," WE WOULD SAY.

WE DRIFTED PAST A LOCAL SWIMMING HOLE WHERE CHILDREN PRETENDED TO SHOOT AT US. THEY WERE EXCITED WHEN I SHOT BACK. WE FLOATED PAST A GYPSY ENCAMPMENT WHERE CHILDREN DOVE OFF TREES INTO THE RIVER. THEY TRIED TO CATCH THE RAFTS BUT WE WERE TOO FAST FOR THE LITTLE BUGGERS.

IT WASN’T LONG BEFORE MY VIGOROUS PADDLING CAUSED THE CHEAP PLASTIC PADDLES TO BREAK SO I INVENTED A NEW WAY TO PROPEL MYSELF. USING TWO SHORT PADDLES IN BOTH HANDS TURNED OUT TO BE FASTER AND MORE MANEUVERABLE. I WAS ABLE TO OUT-RACE THE OTHER RAFTS UNTIL THEY COPIED MY METHOD.

MOST OF THE FIRST FIVE KILOMETERS OF THE RIVER LOOKED THE SAME, OCCASIONALLY BEAUTIFUL BUT NEVER ABSENT OF GARBAGE THAT ALWAYS INCLUDED FLOTILLAS OF LARGE PLASTIC DRINK BOTTLES.

WE FAILED TO BEAT THE MIDDAY SUN AS IT WAS WELL INTO THE NINETIES BY NOON. EVEN THOUGH I APPLIED SUN SCREEN I COULD TELL MY ARMS AND LEGS WERE GOING TO BE VERY RED THE NEXT DAY. BUT DESPITE THE HEAT EVERYONE WAS THOROUGHLY ENJOYING THEMSELVES.

WE WERE SUDDENLY ENGULFED IN A HORRIBLE STENCH AND COULDN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT WAS. WITHIN A HALF KILOMETER WE CAME UPON THE ROTTING CARCASS OF A HORSE THAT SOMEONE DISPOSED OF IN THE RIVER. OF COURSE I HAD TO TAKE A PICTURE OF IT.

WE HAD BEEN ON THE RIVER FOR TWO HOURS WHEN WE APPROACHED AN ALBANIAN VILLAGE. TWO MEN AND A GROUP OF CHILDREN ON A BRIDGE SAW US AND BEGAN YELLING AND WAVING. "THEY ARE GOING TO SPIT ON US," I SAID (BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE AT THAT AGE). WE PASSED UNDER WITHOUT INCIDENT AND I THINK WE WERE THEIR BIG EXCITEMENT FOR THE DAY. (THEY PROBABLY SAW DANIEL AND ME ON TV!)

AFTER THE VILLAGE THE SCENERY BEGAN TO CHANGE--LESS GARBAGE, SOME CULTIVATED FIELDS ON EITHER SIDE, REEDS AND MARSHES, AND MORE BIRDS. LARGE CRANES WERE STARTLED INTO FLIGHT BY OUR APPROACH. WE EXCHANGED GREETINGS WITH AN OCCASIONAL FISHERMAN. THE RIVER WAS SLOWING AS WE APPROACHED OUR DESTINATION ON THE RESERVOIR, THE BIRTH VILLAGE OF NIKOLCE AND DANIEL'S PATERNAL GRANDFATHER. WE FINALLY CAME TO REST UNDERNEATH A BRIDGE AND CLIMBED UP THE STEEP EMBANKMENT WITH OUR BOATS.

NIKOLCE IMMEDIATELY CALLED A TAXI BUT MEANWHILE THERE WAS AIR TO REMOVE. WE RELEASED THE AIR VALVES FROM ALL THE RAFTS AND MOST OF THE AIR LEFT ON ITS OWN ACCORD. HOWEVER, REMOVING THE LAST THIRD PROVED TO BE DIFFICULT AS WE HAD TO CREATE FOLDS AND SIT ON THE RAFTS TO FORCE THE AIR OUT. I WAS ANNOYED THAT ZLATCO, AN UNPAID GUEST OF AN UNPAID GUEST, DID NOT HELP. INSTEAD HE WAS CHATTING WITH A PASSERBY THE WHOLE TIME. HE NEVER DID OFFER APPRECIATION TO NIKOLCE FOR BUYING THE RAFT. COME TO THINK OF IT NO ONE OFFERED A WORD OF APPRECIATION TO ME FOR BUYING TWO ADDITIONAL RAFTS. BUT WHAT THE HECK--THIS IS MACEDONIA.

BY THE TIME THE TAXI ARRIVED WE HAD EMPTIED THE AIR OUT OF THE RAFTS AND WERE ABLE TO FIT THEM AND US INTO THE SMALL STATION WAGON. FOUR HOURS HAD ELAPSED ON THE RIVER BUT IT WAS ONLY A FIFTEEN-MINUTE RIDE BACK TO STRUGA.

WHEN WE RETURNED TO THE HOTEL MACEDONIA I WAS EXCITED AND FILLED WITH IDEAS OF POSSIBILITIES. I TOLD NIKOLCE IT WOULD BE A BOON TO THE FAMILY HOTEL BUSINESS IF THEY OFFERED AN OPTIONAL RIVER ADVENTURE TRIP WHEN GUESTS STAYED THERE. THEY COULD PUT AN ADVERTISEMENT IN THE SKOPJE NEWSPAPER AND HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WOULD COME TO THEIR HOTEL. AND THEY ALREADY HAD THE RAFTS. THERE WERE ALSO CIVIC POSSIBILITIES. I SUGGESTED A “CLEAN UP THE RIVER” CAMPAIGN WHERE RESIDENTS OF STRUGA COULD COMBINE THE PLEASURE OF RAFTING WITH CLEANING UP THE GARBAGE--”RIVER DAY” IN STRUGA. AND IT WOULD BE A PERFECT PROJECT FOR THE NGO TO GET INVOLVED WITH. SURPRISINGLY MY SUGGESTIONS WERE NOT MET WITH THE USUAL MACEDONIAN NEGATIVITY.

LATE THAT AFTERNOON DANIEL RECEIVED A CALL FROM MR. BIG. HE WANTED TO DISCUSS THE FILMING OF THE RIVER TRIP AFTER THE SHOW AND WE WERE TO MEET HIM BY THE POOL AT THE HOTEL DRIM AT EIGHT O’CLOCK THAT NIGHT. I TOLD NIKOLCE THAT I WOULD INTERVIEW FOR A MUSICAL SPOT ON THE SHOW AND I BET HIM THAT IT WOULD TAKE ME LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES TO CONVINCE MR. BIG TO PUT ME ON. “NO WAY!” HE SAID.

WHEN DANIEL AND I ARRIVED AT THE HOTEL DRIM KIRE WAS SEATED BY THE SWIMMING POOL HAVING A DRINK WITH TWO CAMERAMEN. WE EXCHANGED GREETINGS AND HE ORDERED US A BEER. WE DISCUSSED THE LOGISTICS AND IT WAS DECIDED THAT WE WOULD FILM ON SATURDAY MORNING. WHEN THERE WAS A LULL IN THE CONVERSATION I THOUGHT, "HERE'S MY CHANCE.” I STOOD UP AND ASKED DANIEL TO EXPLAIN THAT I WANTED TO DO A MUSICAL NUMBER ON THE SHOW. "OH, YOU HAVE AN ACT?" MR. BIG ASKED. I TURNED MOMENTARILY TO TAKE SOMETHING FROM MY KNAPSACK, AN ELVIS-MASK THAT COVERED THE TOP HALF OF THE HEAD, COMPLETE WITH SLICKED-BACK HAIR AND SUNGLASSES. I PUT IT ON, BEGAN GYRATING, AND SANG A SHORT RENDITION OF "HOUND DOG". THE EXPRESSIONS ON THE FACES OF MR. BIG AND THE CAMERAMEN CHANGED FROM DISBELIEF TO UTTER HORROR BUT BY THE TIME I WAS DONE THEY WERE LAUGHING OUT LOUD. "WHAT DO YOU THINK?" I ASKED. "I'LL GIVE YOU THREE MINUTES NEXT WEDNESDAY NIGHT," REPLIED MR. BIG. WE SHOOK HANDS. "IT'S A DEAL," HE SAID, "AND WE'LL HAVE DANCING GIRLS!"

AFTER THE MEETING DANIEL AND I WALKED INTO OLDTOWN AND SPOTTED NIKOLCE AND SNEZA HAVING A BEER AT A CAFE. IT WAS A RARE NIGHT OFF FOR NICKOLCE WHO SAID WORD WAS SPREADING ABOUT THE RIVER TRIP AND MORE PEOPLE WANTED TO GO. “THE MORE THE MERRIER,” I SAID, “AS LONG AS THEY HAVE A RAFT.” THEN I TOLD HIM ABOUT OUR MEETING WITH MR. BIG AND THAT IT TOOK ONLY ONE MINUTE TO CONVINCE HIM TO GIVE ME A MUSICAL SPOT ON THE SHOW. "NO WAY!" HE SHOUTED IN DISBELIEF.

DANIEL AND I GRABBED A BITE THEN HOOFED ON OVER TO THE NGO WHERE THEY WERE HAVING A “REGGAE” BEACH PARTY FOR A GROUP OF INITIATES. THERE WAS THE USUAL DRINKING AND CHAIN-SMOKING OF CIGARETTES AS BOB MARLEY WAS BEING BLASTED THROUGH DISTORTED SPEAKERS. THINGS WERE PRETTY BORING UNTIL I FOUND A LONG REED IN THE LAKE AND ORGANIZED A LIMBO. DANIEL HELD THE OTHER SIDE AND PEOPLE DANCED UNDERNEATH. WE LOWERED IT A LITTLE AT A TIME UNTIL JUST SONIA COULD GO UNDERNEATH. LATER I WAS LISTENING IN ON A CONVERSATION INVOLVING A RECENT HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE THAT WAS GOING TO GO TO THE UNIVERSITY IN SKOPJE TO STUDY ECONOMICS AND POLITICAL SCIENCE. HER COUSINS LIVE IN INDIANA AND HAD TOLD HER THAT EVERYONE IN THE U.S. IS OBSESSED WITH WORKING SO THEY CAN GET MATERIAL THINGS. "THEY ARE LIKE SHEEP," SHE SAID. I COULDN'T HELP BUT CHIME IN, "YES, BUT PEOPLE ARE SHEEP EVERYWHERE." THEN I ADDED, "HERE IN MACEDONIA WHEN SOMEONE GETS OFF HIS REAR END AND BETTERS HIMSELF EVERYONE HATES HIM FOR IT AND THAT KEEPS EVERYONE FROM EVEN TRYING. ALSO NO ONE AGREES WITH EACH OTHER HERE. THEY ARE LIKE THIS." (I GROUND MY TWO OPPOSING FISTS TOGETHER.) I JUST ABOUT FELL OVER WHEN SHE REPLIED. "YES, THAT IS EXACTLY HOW IT IS HERE." WHEN I COMMENTED THAT I LIKED HER GLASSES SHE REPLIED, "NO, IT IS THE FRAMES YOU LIKE."